Come in.
Dr. Mallory?
Yes?
I'm Professor Johnson,
head of the Archaeology Department
of the Territorial Reserve University.
Oh, yes, professor. Come in, come in.
My name is James West.
I have an appointment to see Dr. Mallory.
Thank you very much.
Come in.
Dr. Mallory?
No need to tell me who you are.
I've been impatiently looking forward
to meeting you, Mr. West.
Mr. West,
I'll be frank.
I'm a scientific goon.
I grub in rock and soil
and unearth artifacts of past civilizations.
The point is, I know why
I have been asked by our government
to undertake this expedition, but, uh...
Why the Secret Service?
Well, uh, yes. Why?
The possibility of a diplomatic incident
if anything should happen to this treasure.
Ah, I see.
Yes. Yes, I can see how that would be very awkward indeed.
As an archaeologist,
can you imagine how excited I was to learn
that Montezuma's own map had been uncovered
in the stacks of Mexico's archives museum?
You're the authority.
What valuation would you put on the treasure?
It's of incalculable worth, of course.
Not even the legendary riches of King Solomon's mines
compare with it.
But, uh, beyond the dollars and cents valuation,
the archaeological worth is staggering.
Hmm. The Aztecs.
The strange passion of this vanished race
to worship beauty by hiding it away
under the mask of a hideous monster.
Look at this, for instance.
The mask of the Sun Goddess, isn't it?
Yes, Mr. West. It is.
Huitzilopochtli.
It was always worn by the most beautiful woman of the tribe.
A woman, so legend has it, so incredibly lovely,
that her beauty had to be hidden from the eyes of mere mortals.
Not much future in that for her.
Ah, but the rest of the legend provides for that too.
From the remotest point of the horizon,
the Sun God she waits for eventually appears
and liberates her from her mask prison and...
Oh, heh-heh.
I'm sorry. I, uh- I get carried away.
Now, uh, let's get back to Montezuma's map, if we may.
If I might, uh, examine it for a moment?
Oh, I don't have it.
What? But you said -
Well, Colonel Sanchez, the official Mexican representative
that's been assigned to accompany us
is and will continue to be custodian to the map.
Thank you for the wine.
Oh, well, I'll show you out.
Thank you.
Then it is to be a combined expedition
of Mexico and the United States? Yes, sir.
We'll meet Colonel Sanchez next Wednesday at Eagle Pass.
Goodbye, doctor.
Oh, doctor, I'd like- I must get back to my office.
Good night.
Good- Good-
Nothing of value, I hope.
What? Great Scott. Who cares, Mr. West?
You might have been killed.
There was that distinct possibility.
Doctor.
What were you trying to get him on?
Listen, Slade, he doesn't have the map.
We're meeting a Colonel Sanchez
in Eagle Pass on Wednesday morning.
He has it.
Sanchez, huh?
All right, we'll ask him for the map.
As long as you're being the esteemed Dr. Mallory,
you might as well wear his ring.
Thank you, thank you.
And all poor Olaf
can think to say is, "Jingle jangle!"
Oh, come on, listen,
the jokes is free, the drinks are two bits each.
Thank you, thank you.
Yeah. Yes, sir. Can I help you?
I'd like to see a menu, please.
A menu?
Oh, boy, we got nothing but troublemakers
coming in all day today.
What you want to see a menu for, sport?
I'd like to order some food.
I take it back.
You not just a sport, you a hero.
All right,
we get something to eat.
There you are.
Any gossip about our little clambake?
No, just undercurrents.
It's hard to tell whether anyone really knows anything.
It's a very rough town.
Quite a few hard cases in residence at all times.
Did Dr. Mallory arrive? No, not yet,
but Mexico's contribution to our little trek...
Colonel Sanchez, huh?
Uh-huh. Mexican war hero.
Aide to General Juárez himself, during the war.
He's got a trunkful of medals he earned the hard way.
So this one flea
says to the other flea, "Well, do you want to walk,
or would you rather take the dog?"
Colonel Sanchez, I'm James West.
Señor West.
Of course.
I did not order this.
I took the liberty, colonel. Salud.
Clumsy of me.
Well, colonel, this is going to be
an interesting expedition, isn't it?
Yes, Mr. West. I have no doubt
that your country's genius for turning a profit
will assert itself before we are through.
Colonel, the only thing that my country is interested in
is returning your national treasure
to your country, and that's all.
I am overcome by the nobility of your sentiments, señor.
Colonel, what is troubling you?
Always we Mexicans have to beg help from the gringo.
Shall I tell you what I told General Juárez?
I said to him,
"Let us go out and find our treasure ourselves,
"even if it is on gringo soil.
"And if anybody north of the border
"should try to stop us,
we fight."
Good day, gentlemen.
Why don't you go back and finish your drink?
Yeah, why don't I?
You all right?
I believe this is where
I am supposed to be grateful for your help.
All in a day's work, colonel.
Good Lord, what happened?
Ah, I'd say we saw an attempt
to relieve Colonel Sanchez of Montezuma's map.
Oh, this is, uh, Dr. Mallory of the Houston Museum
who'll accompany us. Colonel Sanchez.
Doctor.
And, uh, this is Mr. Slade, who is in charge of my digging crew.
Lucky for the colonel,
you and the Swede there come along when you did.
Well, I just happen to be in the neighborhood, that's all.
Then we can take it for granted
that the map was not stolen.
One cannot steal that which one does not have.
The map has remained behind in the archives museum...
after being committed to memory...
here.
Now if you will excuse me.
Well, I'd better find us a guide.
A guide?
Uh, why do we need a guide, doctor,
as long as the colonel remembers his map?
Uh, you, uh- You really feel that's, uh, necessary, Mr. West?
Doctor, I'm sure the desert's changed
since that map was drawn up.
We're gonna have to find water holes to stay alive.
Wouldn't you agree?
Makes sense, right, doctor?
Now what do we do?
What do we do? Well, that's simple.
We just cut off Sanchez's head and send it to a mind reader.
I guess we're gonna have to take the Mexican along with us.
He just won't be making a round trip, that's all.
He'll have West with him, remember.
Yeah, I'm kinda looking forward to having him along too,
part of the way. Yeah.
Ninety, 100.
Ten, 20, 30, 40, 50.
A hundred and fifty pesos, compadre.
That's a lot of money.
Yes, señor.
Is a lot of money,
but- But I cannot guide you through the desert.
There are things out there.
Well, what kind of things, Juan?
Ghosts.
All right.
I got the idea.
He wants the ante raised.
A hundred and seventy-five pesos.
Deal?
Señores...
no, I cannot.
Two hundred pesos. Deal?
Slade,
he's not gonna go with us.
So much for your ideas.
That's the fourth Indian that's headed for the hills
when we mention the route we're gonna take.
It's getting to be a habit, isn't it?
I say we go without a guide.
Who says you're running things around here, Slade?
I'm gonna tell you something, Mr. West-
Excuse me, gents,
but if it's a first-class,
seasoned guide you're looking for...
You?
I sure didn't have nobody else in mind, mister.
Do you know the country to the north
and where the water holes are?
Like the back of my right hand.
You, uh, sure you're not afraid?
Well, of course I am.
For $200, I can't afford to be.
That's, uh, 200 pesos, old-timer.
Was pesos, sonny.
I just upped the ante, you might say.
Well?
Well, gentlemen, we don't have much choice. Agreed?
All right, ahem, agreed.
We'll assemble here tomorrow morning at sunup.
Fine. Just inquire for me right here at the bar.
Once we get out there, it's gonna be
a long dry spell, you know?
Old-timer, let's talk about what we'll need.
Why, sure.
Artie, I wish we had hired a guide
who really knew where those water holes were.
And that's just what you did, Jim.
I spent this entire day going around,
buying drinks for every guide in town.
Now it belongs to posterity.
Well, there's a Sweetwater outcropping
about half a day's ride west of here.
Montezuma's map takes us due north.
Oh, I don't think he'll mind a detour.
We'll camp at the water hole tonight,
get back on course tomorrow.
Let us mount up.
All right.
Mount up, boys!
Mount up and move out!
Whoa.
¶ The sweetest gal ¶
¶ I ever saw ¶
¶ Was a-sippin' cider ¶
¶ Through a straw ¶ Esto es ambrosia, señor.
Well, thank you very much, sir.
Of course, eh,
the King of France may get better grub,
but it is tasty, if I do say so myself,
as I shouldn't. Hee-hee-hee!
How about you, Mr. Slade?
Well, you may as well take it.
It's the tail end of it, anyway.
It's too good to throw out, anyways.
¶ The sweetest gal ¶
¶ I ever saw ¶ Hey, old-timer.
¶ Was a-sippin' cider ¶ You, I'm talking to.
What do you call this slop?
Well, chuckwalla stew. Why, don't suit you?
Smell it.
Oh, 'scuse me.
Rest, gentlemen.
I've had enough of your bullying.
Ah, boys just having a little horseplay, colonel.
Right, boys?
Sure.
We was just high jinkin', that's all.
Artie?
Well, am I intruding?
No, I was just thinking.
You know, if ever the going got rough,
you know the one man I'd like to see on our side?
Sanchez.
The fingers of Tlazoltéotl.
The what?
The Aztec appreciation of their earth mother,
their goddess of the night hour.
Turn it off, doctor.
Hey, Sanchez,
we getting close?
Yes, señor.
We are getting close.
Where do we go from here, colonel?
Through that pass.
On the map, the Aztecs called it "the cut in the fingers."
It is the edge of the world, the beginning of no man's land.
Old-timer, where's the next water hole?
Well, I'd say about a two days' ride due west,
over there by the canyon rim.
Let us go.
Are you troubled, sonny?
Old-timer, every once in a while,
I feel like I'm being watched.
Well, now, I tell you, son,
that's nothing but a pure case of nerves,
aggravated by nothing but superstition,
which has no place with modern man.
Confidentially, I feel exactly the same way you do.
Old-timer.
Yeah, right here.
You're getting to be very good at finding water.
That's not all I'm getting to be good at finding. Look.
It's a fresh print.
I'd say it was Comanche,
except we all know they wear moccasins.
Aztecs didn't.
That's an interesting notion.
Well, whoever it is,
they're keeping us under very close surveillance.
I'd say.
The eye of Tonatiuh.
The Sun God.
We are following the map directly.
Now we must proceed toward Metztli.
This is the month of Ozomatli, the howling monkey.
Now the face of Metztli should be round and pale.
Jake, how about some coffee for Mr. West?
Sure enough, boss.
Coffee, Mr. West? Thank you.
Señores.
Señores, look.
The moon. Look at the moon.
Just as the map described.
One day's ride from the treasure,
the moon will be seen resting on the twin temples of the gods.
Then we're almost there.
Comanche.
Aztec.
Did you-? Did you see anybody?
No.
Fella that was on the other end of that arrow
was just the kind that would just naturally not hang around,
if you ask me.
Well, did you give the mortal remains
a decent burying? Sí, señor.
You know all the answers, West. What's going on here?
Uh, we're being followed and watched,
by whom and for what reason,
your guess is as good as mine.
Now, I suggest we break camp and be on our way.
Still giving orders, huh?
You wanna put it to a vote, Slade?
All right, let's break camp.
This is it, señores:
the canyon of Montezuma's treasure.
From here, we go by foot.
How do we get up there?
We climb up.
There must be some other way.
No, doctor. There is no other way,
except to climb up that cliff.
The Aztecs hid the treasure well and protected it.
This is where they used to live.
Ridiculous.
How did they get up those sheer walls?
They're as slick as hog fat.
Looks to me like they built steps going up the cliff,
climbed up them and broke 'em off by hand.
Hand me my rifle, will you?
All right. Let's go.
Old-timer, get my rifle up after me.
The map indicates a cave nearby,
and these skulls are supposed to point toward the entrance.
The jade snake. Symbol of the Aztecs.
rubies.
Priceless.
Old-timer, the source of the footprints on the trail.
I liked the footprints better.
Everybody, give them your guns.
Señores, you may be interested to know that as a result
of the chief's order, we will all shortly be killed.
All right, young fellow, what do we do now?
I'm going through the motions
of an old, ancient Aztec legend.
I can't think of anything else to do.
Nice going, young fellow.
That's the number one goddess.
It was a brave thing to do, Señor West.
And because of it, we will not all be killed.
Well, I'm glad to hear that.
She says just two of us
to match the two Aztecs we killed.
So which two?
She said it would be up to us
to select which two.
How do you like the decor, Artie?
Well, sure. Early catacomb.
Where'd you get that?
Leave me alone.
How are you gonna decide which two we give to the Aztecs?
There is only one way:
by drawing lots.
No, I got a better idea.
We'll use the, uh, democratic process.
Right, boys? We'll vote.
Now, all those in favor of choosing West
and his newfound friend here, raise your hands.
Those opposed...
You cannot do this.
Dr. Mallory, you must not.
Save your breath, colonel.
For the longest time, I've had a strong feeling
that Dr. Mallory, wherever he is,
is not in attendance at this meeting.
That's right. I killed Mallory.
I don't understand.
Yeah, neither do I.
If you killed Mallory, who are you?
My name is Johnson.
Henry Johnson.
He used to be a first-rate archeologist
till he became an even better drunk.
I pick him up off the floor of a saloon in Laredo.
All right, let's get it over with.
No, I will not let you. Ungh!
Move.
Here are your two men.
What beats me
is why they'd have to truss us up like this.
I don't know where they think we're going, anyway.
Hey, Artie, know what this is that's holding our wrists?
It's solid jade.
What do you think of that?
That makes me feel a whole lot better.
Under other circumstances, I'd be-
Hear that, Artie?
Yeah.
Jim. The ceiling.
Ungh. Okay.
It's fresh air.
Must be a corridor on the other side.
All right, let's get outta here.
We don't need you anymore.
Slade.
They think we're gods.
No one's ever lived through Montezuma's revenge before.
They think we're evil gods.
They think we've come to kill them.
We've gotta convince them that we're- That we're friendly.
We're friendly gods.
Friends.
Friends?
Uh-huh.
Well, I, uh, ahem, guess I better get Sanchez
out of that pokey, huh?
Listen.
I'm king! I'm king!
That's it!
He said that long ago that people were murdered
by Cortés and his soldiers,
but that you are different.
You have protected them from the real enemies,
whom you have killed with your own hands.
For this, they are grateful.
He ask one more favor of us:
to go and leave them in peace with that
which belongs to them,
the treasure of their ancestors.
Go, he tells us, never to return.
I will inform her that President Juárez
will probably decide in their favor.
What about your president, señores?
The courage and nobility of these people
is a far greater treasure than any we came to see.
I'm sure that President Grant will agree
that anything we have found here will remain a secret
till the Aztecs want it differently.
Gracias, señores.
I have been instructed that we can take from here
anything we wish to have,
as a token of their gratitude and friendship.
Anything?
Eh, no, Jim, it'll never work.
Uh, tell them that we will
take their gratitude only.
There you are, colonel,
and if you should have the urge to spill your drink...
Señor West-
...don't do it on that plush sofa.
It stains very easily.
Señores, please.
You remind me of something I am ashamed to remember.
Now I am honored to raise my glass to yours
as a fellow compadre.
The feeling's mutual. It's good to see.
Ahhh.
I'd like to offer a toast, if I might now,
to Dr. Johnson and Slade and his bully boys
all safely behind bars.
Mm.
I'll never forget that trip into Montezuma's province,
things about it I could never forget.
Yeah, I know what you mean. She was lovely, wasn't she?
Yeah, Artie, she was.
All right, then, a toast to Tezcatlipoca,
the Sun Goddess.
Señores, again you remind me of something
which I have forgotten.
A gift from the lady we are discussing.
Before we left the castle of Montezuma,
she asked me to give it to you.
How nice of h-
Artie, I think right here
would be an appropriate place for this.
Yeah.
Friends.
Well, gentleman, what do you say to dinner?
Mmm.
Friends.